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Wow... [May. 21st, 2011|09:12 am]
Its not like anyone even reads this thing but why not. I was just reading my older post and wow i was such an little jack ass. All that depression and anger and the desire to give up. I'm glad I'm not that person anymore. Though that guy defiantly had some good things going for him that he utterly destroyed.
But in any event, again since no one will every likely read this I'm just rambling to myself. Lamenting a few life choices and praising others.
Been a long few years it seems. Moved into my own place. A nice little apartment that I call home. Had three different jobs since then. Nothing really major but my current one, though not the best job in the world, I do love even when it enrages me. And friends. I don't think I've ever had this many friends in my life as I do now. And I'm honored by them. Between some old friends and other brand new ones, Life seems good. For the most part anyway.
Now if only I could get a few ghosts to finally get out of my head and leave me in peace...
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Music in my head... [Apr. 20th, 2008|12:26 am]
Go listen to this if your bored...
I can't seem to get it out of my head.

Heres the video link.

Everything You Want
By Vertical Horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say


But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
I don't know
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Ehh... [Apr. 12th, 2008|03:21 am]
    I had every intention of putting a full thoughtful post in here but now I just don't care anymore. Not like it matters anyway. 
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Happy Birthday! [Mar. 18th, 2008|01:03 am]
    So today was my birthday and I actually enjoyed it. lol. I got up early and went to the college to hang out with some friends. Got a couple little gifts and what not then went to work. Then at work a few co workers wished me a happy birthday but no one made a big big deal out of it, which was nice. Then after work I went out to the arcade to screw around abit and hang out with some friends some more.
    Might seem dull to some, but I had fun. lol

    Wow did that ever make my day seem uneventful. lol. But anyway, goodnight to whoever even reads this forgotten silliness. XP


P.S. My dad is way behind the times. He was so proud today cause he found a King Lienidus (sp?) gif of that read "Red Sauce On Pasta!" lol
Thats been out forever but he just found it today. xp
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I'm an ass [Mar. 16th, 2008|11:30 pm]
    Okay as to my last post it was amazingly to emo. I just felt like shit and wanted to vent.
But Now I'm better for it.  I don't know what it was but by doing that I got over it a little more. I've started thinking less about the past and more about the future.
    I'm taking classes soon and I started to save up some money so I can afford it. Hopefully I'll be able to save enough to go away to college or at least get my own place out of here.
    But I dunno. Im just feeling better lately about everything.  I still miss My ex. She was the first real person I cared so much about I think...but im getting better. And Hopefully some time I'll actually just move on.

Anyway, as I said my last post was far to emo so just ignore it.
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What the fuck... [Mar. 14th, 2008|02:55 am]
[mood |draineddrained]

    Okay I just need to get this all out. Whoever reads it, I'm sorry if it offends or hurts. I just need to tell the whole fucking story and for once tell it how I see it. Even if this is basically the short version.

    A few years ago I met a girl I thought was different then anyone else I'd ever met.  She was awkward and cute. She was really fun to be around and talk with. I could talk to her about whatever random shit was on my mind. So we tried dating for awhile and we had an awkward teenage relationship. A bit later she goes off to college and we date for awhile but on a trip home dumps me. I was heart broken but I did a lot of growing during that time.  I became much more mature I think and grew into myself even if I did do some stupid things during that time.
    After awhile I get a little better and a little better, eventually able to talk to her again.  Well while shes home for the summer we start to hang out more and more which leads into a fling. Then eventually the fling grew into a relationship and I was very happy. I was happy to be with her and talk to her about anything. I was more then happy to listen to her and be there for her. I did what I could to be the best boyfriend to her. And I loved her with all my heart.   I loved her smile and her little quirks. She was beautiful and intelligent, silly and tom-boyish, and I loved it. I loved how eventually I was able to tell about when she as going to get hungry and need to eat so she didn't get aggravated. I was just so in love and never wanted that to change.
    I was a different person when I was with her. I was the person I wanted to be. I didn't care about expectations or what people thought. I was happy.  I only cared about keeping her happy and doing what I needed to in order to be happy too.
    We dated for over a year and I was happy. I enjoyed life for once. We had our occasional fight, but it was normal I thought. Well after one particular visit to see her there was no fight, no nothing, just silence. I know I should of pushed more to talk to her but She always seemed pissed off and annoyed at the very sound of my voice. I know now I should of tried anyway. I loved her and should of found out what the fuck was going on sooner. Well after awhile of not talking we start talking more seriously about our relationship and it ends with me being dumped.
    When it happened, as I was having the conversation with her, I just went into shock and panic. I tried to be as unfeeling as possible. I just didn't care about anything. I didn't want to believe it happened, but it did. We broke up and I was a wreck. I just didn't give a shit anymore. I gave up everything. Any plans I made to do some thing in the future I just gave up. I didn't even want anything I gave her back. I just knew it would be painful to even have near me.  I still haven't even dared look at the gift she made me for our one year anniversary. I just can't do it. It was very special to me and now it just hurts to even think about.
    Well for the point of my story,  It is months later and I am still miserable. I miss her a lot. I still can't even look at her picture without getting upset. I should hate her. I should at least be angry with her. But I'm not. I just keep thinking I miss her. I miss being able to sit on the couch together and watch TV as she stroked my arms. I miss being able to kiss her and have my whole world be better for it. I miss having mock arguments with her over stupid shit like who is the better pokemon or why a star gate is impossible or not.  I miss just talking to her about random shit. But most of all I miss her. I miss listening to her talk about her day. I miss hearing her complain about some random teacher who is a bitch. Or Even just about some interesting story that happened while she was out to lunch.
    After all this time I'm still the same. I miss her. She was my best friend. She knew me best.  I mean I can't even go on a date because I'm afraid to get to close to anyone else. I have a girl who wants me to date her and I just cant because it doesn't feel right.  Whether its because I'm afraid to or simply because she is to different from Her I don't know.  And I'm just tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of being broken. But I truly do miss her. I loved her so very much.

    Now I just feel like some creepy jackass who cant let go. I don't fucking know anymore...

    I'm done. Goodnight. And sorry to those who feel offended or hurt. This is the truth. I'm tired of not speaking my mind because I don't want to hurt people. So fuck it.
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(no subject) [Mar. 4th, 2008|01:29 am]
I really miss you...
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Miss it (venting to no one) [Feb. 10th, 2008|03:28 pm]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

I miss being happy. it just seems that all I am all the fucking time is miserable and pissed off and I hate it. I hate feeling like shit even when Im trying so hard to have a good time and be happy..
I miss just being able to come home and talk to the person i care about most and laugh. Just fucking crazy that im always like this and it really needs to stop.
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Jingle bells, jingle bells... [Dec. 24th, 2007|09:18 pm]
Merry Christmas everyone.

Especially those I miss so very much right now...
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