|What the fuck...
||[Mar. 14th, 2008|02:55 am]
Okay I just need to get this all out. Whoever reads it, I'm sorry if it offends or hurts. I just need to tell the whole fucking story and for once tell it how I see it. Even if this is basically the short version.
A few years ago I met a girl I thought was different then anyone else I'd ever met. She was awkward and cute. She was really fun to be around and talk with. I could talk to her about whatever random shit was on my mind. So we tried dating for awhile and we had an awkward teenage relationship. A bit later she goes off to college and we date for awhile but on a trip home dumps me. I was heart broken but I did a lot of growing during that time. I became much more mature I think and grew into myself even if I did do some stupid things during that time.
After awhile I get a little better and a little better, eventually able to talk to her again. Well while shes home for the summer we start to hang out more and more which leads into a fling. Then eventually the fling grew into a relationship and I was very happy. I was happy to be with her and talk to her about anything. I was more then happy to listen to her and be there for her. I did what I could to be the best boyfriend to her. And I loved her with all my heart. I loved her smile and her little quirks. She was beautiful and intelligent, silly and tom-boyish, and I loved it. I loved how eventually I was able to tell about when she as going to get hungry and need to eat so she didn't get aggravated. I was just so in love and never wanted that to change.
I was a different person when I was with her. I was the person I wanted to be. I didn't care about expectations or what people thought. I was happy. I only cared about keeping her happy and doing what I needed to in order to be happy too.
We dated for over a year and I was happy. I enjoyed life for once. We had our occasional fight, but it was normal I thought. Well after one particular visit to see her there was no fight, no nothing, just silence. I know I should of pushed more to talk to her but She always seemed pissed off and annoyed at the very sound of my voice. I know now I should of tried anyway. I loved her and should of found out what the fuck was going on sooner. Well after awhile of not talking we start talking more seriously about our relationship and it ends with me being dumped.
When it happened, as I was having the conversation with her, I just went into shock and panic. I tried to be as unfeeling as possible. I just didn't care about anything. I didn't want to believe it happened, but it did. We broke up and I was a wreck. I just didn't give a shit anymore. I gave up everything. Any plans I made to do some thing in the future I just gave up. I didn't even want anything I gave her back. I just knew it would be painful to even have near me. I still haven't even dared look at the gift she made me for our one year anniversary. I just can't do it. It was very special to me and now it just hurts to even think about.
Well for the point of my story, It is months later and I am still miserable. I miss her a lot. I still can't even look at her picture without getting upset. I should hate her. I should at least be angry with her. But I'm not. I just keep thinking I miss her. I miss being able to sit on the couch together and watch TV as she stroked my arms. I miss being able to kiss her and have my whole world be better for it. I miss having mock arguments with her over stupid shit like who is the better pokemon or why a star gate is impossible or not. I miss just talking to her about random shit. But most of all I miss her. I miss listening to her talk about her day. I miss hearing her complain about some random teacher who is a bitch. Or Even just about some interesting story that happened while she was out to lunch.
After all this time I'm still the same. I miss her. She was my best friend. She knew me best. I mean I can't even go on a date because I'm afraid to get to close to anyone else. I have a girl who wants me to date her and I just cant because it doesn't feel right. Whether its because I'm afraid to or simply because she is to different from Her I don't know. And I'm just tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of being broken. But I truly do miss her. I loved her so very much.
Now I just feel like some creepy jackass who cant let go. I don't fucking know anymore...
I'm done. Goodnight. And sorry to those who feel offended or hurt. This is the truth. I'm tired of not speaking my mind because I don't want to hurt people. So fuck it.